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I wonder how far I can go?

## Dreams and Visions These days, thinking of the future scares me so much. I do not know why. Maybe I’m just really getting anxious about mine. However, I do not want to live in fear for most of my life. I may not be the bravest, nor someone who can be the next master at this thing at a young age, nor a genius, but I don’t need to be like that. I need to face myself and my capabilities. It doesn’t have to be the most significant leap, nor does it have to be the most courageous step. Something in the middle, something that will get me into the zone, something that is not in the far future, but right here, just right now, that’s the only timeline I can look at right now. ## Curiosity _How capable am I?_ Every commitment I currently have came from the things I was curious about. How does x work? Can I make it from this? Why does it do x? These questions came when I started dabbling in programming and art. It’s curiosity on top of curiosity that propelled me forward into making it a habit of creating or studying these things. It eventually turned into an everyday thing, it’s something that I can’t remove now, I also found out that I can be very frustrated on seeing much more skilled people than me. That’s the day I thought that I might be in here for a long time. A good advice I got is, not everything has to be the grandest thing, or the grandest vision when it comes to the future of what you are doing. You just have to pour your 100% every single day, remembering that frustration, in every instance you start working on something. _How far can I go?_ For some reason, asking myself that question makes me relax and be calm about what I am currently working on. I almost always feel pressure in everything I do, but asking that makes everything a bit… calmer, and slower. It feels like I don’t have to put a lot of emphasis on being perfect, but rather, _what am I capable of? Right in this moment?_ It gives you relief and makes you live in the moment. ### Looking forward I attended an art class before where I learned a good piece of mindset in gaining confidence. > _Never ever think about “I’m not sure if I could do it again.” What you should think about is “If I did it the first time, I could do it the second time”. You should be forward-thinking, everything you will do is going to be better._ It gave me a whole new way of thinking. I never really had confidence, I usually just wing it by throwing all my care out the windows, saying “screw it”, then winging the thing. Some days it does work, but it eventually made me ask myself: “Is it just gonna be like this every time?” In the end, I want to care, I want to try working hard on something I like. I may not have the greatest dream, nor the best vision in my work or output, but I still want to try. Maybe being myself is enough for this world? _In case you are curious what art class it was, it is “Post-realistic Digital Painting taught by Sinix Design in Brainstorm School Online”._ ## Challenges ### It’s almost always a rainy day It’s not all good stuff every day. I never had that big of a motivation for doing it. I tried doing this “discipline” thing, and I kept failing with it. The systems I tried so far weren’t the effective solution I was looking for. Sooner or later, it will just become monotonic for me. I just pushed through most of the days but it was not enjoyable really, and I’m not wishing for it to be always enjoyable, but the biggest problem is most of those days, my brain is just on autopilot, that’s the most boring thing I could do, to let it run on autopilot, and not be immersed completely in what am I currently doing. ## Having fun I don’t want to just work hard, look back in my life and it’s just full of working hard towards nothing. I can accept it if working hard is a side effect of _wanting something_. I want to feel a lot of emotions; I want to test myself; I want to live fully.